Mistakes were made by all

I am in Alaska again... by a series of unfortunate events...
I always thought I would be so happy to come home and live near my family again.  I. Was. Wrong.  I am anything but happy.  I don't say this to get pity, or to make people feel bad, I just say it because it is the truth.  The saying "you can't go home again" is so very painfully true.  It's never the same.  It's NEVER what you thought it would be.  Sometimes it's great to come home and hang out with all your old friends and have dinner with your parents and siblings and enjoy the warmth and love that envelopes you from the moment you get off the plane/out of your car - to the moment you get back on/in it.  When you have no idea when you are leaving neither does your family and friends.  Their patience runs thin, their hospitality runs low, and eventually you aren't the only one that is wondering when you are leaving.
This is where I am at right now.  Wondering when I am leaving.  My sheer presence creating a tension within the family that welcomed me so warmly 6 MONTHS AGO!!!
Yup.  6 Months.  6 months of not knowing what the hell I was doing. 6 months of being miserable, poor and, ugh, dependent. 6 months of having everyone look at me with pity, knowing that horrible thing that dragged me back here to this frozen land.  6 months of crying, crying and more crying.
Today I declare - I'm Done Crying!  I know what I want.  It's not what everyone else wants.  I don't think it's what ANYONE else wants.  Everyone keeps telling me to figure out what I want though, so I did.

My husband and I got married 3 months after my Mother died.  I second guessed our relationship from day one.  I talked with my mother a lot about it (before she died, or course).  She told me  - well, that's private, but she gave me the green light.  She said she could tell he made me happy, even though he made me crazy.  Everyone seemed to like him.  I thought to myself a thousand times how much easier a relationship was when your family liked the person you were with.  The kids liked him too, and he seemed to like them.  until...enter Sharon's BIG GIANT MOUTH!  Yeah, was never one for keeping things to myself (obviously - I have a blog!)...  I couldn't be like Bek and keep it all private.  I tried.  I told one person here, one person there, but eventually everyone knew about every fight we ever had.  I am a difficult person (I recently learned this) so we had A LOT of fights.  When everything started going to hell everyone decided to tell me "I never liked him anyways." Well, thanks!  That's helpful to know after I have already married him!  Jerks!  Not ONE single person told me to tough it out, grow up, it'll get better - except for, ironically, my EX-mother in law.   Weird huh?  Well, 7 years into it and 2 military moves and one beautiful baby girl (plus my 1st 2 kids) the unthinkable happened.  My husband made a HUGE mistake! I won't diminish what was done by saying anyone over-reacted, but I will say - it's not what everyone thinks.

It really isn't.  Accepting that has brought a bit of peace to my heart.

I am determined to not let this mistake define my children, my life, my marriage or myself.  I just won't.

I will continue to take care of my children to the best of my abilities, but I will not deny another one of my children a relationship with her father (not that I denied the other two of their father, but sometimes it does feel that way). I will protect my children with every breath in my body, and I will always choose their side.   My husband knows this now, and he has accepted this.

He is working very hard to understand his mistakes and he knows that it is a process.  It feels good knowing that he considers our marriage something worth working for.

I am still stuck in Alaska for an undetermined amount of time. I am still having constant arguments with my husband about the past, present and future.  I am still unsure of which direction to go in (other than south because it is just too cold up here for me anymore).  The thing that I know for sure though is that people make mistakes.  Only God can judge.

My advice to anyone reading this - beware who you vent to because things said cannot be unsaid. Once someone doesn't like your significant other it is very hard to convince them otherwise.  You may be able to forgive and move forward, but people that love you and were your sounding boards during those difficult times may not be able to.

Sweet Potato Banana Muffins - YUM!

Yummy Idea of the Week!

Sweet Potato Banana Muffins

*My photo* *recipe credit*

I don't remember the circumstance that caused me to do a Swagbucks Search for this recipe, but I am sure glad I did!  I just happen to have a few bananas in the freezer and some sweet potatoes in the garage that desperately needed to be used!  For the most part I followed the recipe exactly (I almost doubled it).  I did change a few of the steps though.  Jayne's original recipe is HERE.  Here's what I did though.

3 small over ripe bananas

3 small sweet poatotes

1 C shredded coconut (optional, but worth it)

3 C unbleached all purpose flour

1 1/2 T baking powder

1 tsp salt

1 tsp cinnamon

3/4 C Unsalted Butter (room temperature)

1 1/2 C Light Brown Sugar

3 eggs

1) Center rack in over & pre-heat to 400deg F.  Line or grease muffin tins. *original recipe makes 12-15 muffins, mine made 30*

2) wash & skin Sweet potatoes. Chop into 1-2" pieces & boil until mashable.  Reserve water when you drain them (good thing I did this because I messed up and needed it in the recipe!).  Mash by hand or toss into your blender/food processor/Ninja & get the job done!

***I took Jayne's advice and did these steps the night before and got out all the ingredients so I could make them in the morning - well, all except the pre-heating - that would be dangerous!***

3) Mash the banana, sweet potatoes & coconut together and set aside

4) In a medium bowl cream the butter and sugar until light & fluffy *this takes longer than you think*

5) Add in eggs One at a time and mix well. Mix in the banana mixture.

***ok, Here's where I messed up my recipe and that sweet potato water I reserved came in handy.  as I was adjusting the recipe I forgot to increase the eggs.  I only added 2.  It wasn't until I was putting it into the making cups that I realized that it was WAY TOO DRY!  I made my first batch with the mix as it was because I didn't want to over mix it & I hadn't realized my mistake yet. For the second batch  I grabbed the water and started adding it a tiny bit at a time until it looked like the right consistency.  The picture above is one from the first batch, the second batch was much smoother & lighter in color. Anyways - back to the instructions***

6) scrape wet ingredients into the dry and mix just until combined. Do Not Over mix. *But, they will still turn out okay in case you do*

7) Fill the muffin cups about 3/4 full.  *remember the bigger the muffin the longer it will take to bake*

8) Bake about 20 minutes until they are golden brown and spring back when touched.  *I found that after the first batch the rest only took about 15 - 18 minutes so keep an eye on them.

I made a little Honey Glaze to drizzle over them & they were amazing!  

I plated them and covered them with saran wrap (after they cooled of course) and after 3 days on the table they are still soft.  Bug likes to warm them up in the microwave for a few seconds, but the rest of us enjoy them as is.

I'd love to see if someone could do a recipe makeover on this though & maybe make them not quite so many calories.  I used the Sparkpeople recipe calculator and they are almost 180 calories per muffin.  Oh No!  But they are a yummy breakfast muffin for the kids to grab on the go!

Try & let me know what you think!

Gratitude

GRATITUDE

I haven't had much of it lately.  During this month where we are supposed to be giving thanks for everything and preparing for the birth or our savior I have been pretty ungrateful, unhappy, and worst of all, unloving.  To my many friends, family, children and myself.  

I had a long overdue chat with a friend tonight.  I had to do it over Facebook because I knew I didn't have the guts to hear what she had to say over the phone, or worse, to my face.  You see, she always gives it to me straight!  I have friends that will will let me vent and placate me with assuring words, some that only want to hear the good stuff, and very few that will give it to me straight & tell me to put my big girl panties on and get on with life.  Sometimes that's just what I need!  Unfortunately, that's NOT what I have been searching for.  I was searching for that quiet ear that would listen to my woes and be 100% on my side and tell me exactly what I needed to do and give me the means to execute their well thought out plans.  I forgot that the person I was searching for was always with me - listening to my woes - 100% on my side - giving me the means to execute His well thought out plans.  I just forgot.  GOD.

Anyways, My friend first told me that (basically) my pity party needed to end & I need to Dust myself off & move on.  She told me I needed to write down everything I am grateful for.  Yes, yes I do.  I didn't do it on Facebook while everyone else was.  I just couldn't think of 30 things to be grateful for and I am sure no one wanted to see "I am grateful for my children" 30 days in a row.  They were the only good things I could see in my life for quite a while (and some days even that was questionable).  I think I can do it now.

1) I am thankful for my children - even when they are being smart Alec troublemakers - they still make me smile.

2) I am very grateful for the military and all it provides.

3) I am thankful for the men & women that serve and protect us and our rights.

4) I am thankful for MAIL.  Seriously, send a letter, it will make someone smile!

5) I am grateful for a reliable vehicle that gets us where we need to be (usually 10 - 20 minutes early)

6) I am thankful for the many friends and acquaintances that get me.

7) I am thankful that my father is healthy.

8) I am grateful to my step-mother for her insurance that has covered most of my father's medical expenses

9) I am thankful for my brother who just wants to fix things for everyone

10) I am thankful for my sister who just wants everyone to be happy.

11) I am thankful for all the family angels in Heaven watching over us)

12) I am thankful for friends and family that honestly pray for us!

13) I am thankful for SAW's fierce feelings of protection  .

14) I am thankful for Bug's quiet observation and sense of knowing what needs to get done.

15) I am grateful for all of the talented musical artists that bless the world with their music and voices every day!  

**********Halfway done and I am losing steam, but I will make it!***************************

16) I am grateful to all the writers - everywhere - published or not.  Thank you for sharing.

17) I am grateful for all the other bloggers that teach me how to make pretty much everything from scratch.

18) I am grateful for technology that keeps me in constant contact with everyone (even if I don't want it).

19) I am grateful for my mother for all the things she taught me, and all the things she didn't.  Some things I just had to learn on my own!

20) I am grateful for my "other mother" for still always being being there for me.  She's been part of my life since I was 14, even when she may not have wanted to be!

21) I am thankful that Mike knows how to cook, even if he doesn't do it as much as he used to.

22) I am thankful for the beautiful warm sandy beaches of Florida - I will get back there someday!

23) I am thankful that MJ inherited her daddy's ability to make me laugh.

24) I am thankful that I am creative.

25) I am thankful that there is a free gym within walking distance of my house!

26) I am thankful for water in every form.

27) I am grateful for my first amendment right to free speech.

28) I am thankful for my bed, my cozy blankets, my pillows, and a good book that can help me forget about the days troubles.

29) I am thankful for my Nook!

30) I am thankful for my ability to choose EVERYTHING!

Happy November everyone!

Christmas Crafting

Christmas Crafting Has Begun!!!

We save our egg cartons for friends with chickens but the pile was getting really BIG!  I had to do something with them!!  I had bug search for a Christmas craft online, but I wasn't excited about any of them.  I knew I wanted to have MJ make a Christmas tree, I just had to figure out how.  

We got out the egg cartons and started cutting while Bug got out the paints. I started stacking and figured it all out & then the girls started painting.

You can barely see the result in the picture, but trust me - it's cute!  When Dad is distracted with a new game don't ask him to take a picture of the the baby and her tree!

In the midst of trying to figure out how to stack the pieces I discovered that we had no glue!  UGH!!!

Internet to the rescue once again!  I found a great recipe for toddler safe home made glue!  This saved the day!!  I even added a bit of green food coloring since I know we will be using it mostly for Christmas Crafts!  The result was fabulous!

My Thanksgiving Menu

My Thanksgiving Menu

We decided to stay home this year and not visit family for Thanksgiving.  Good thing because we are completely flat broke!  My original idea was to buy a lasagna and have an Italian dinner, but on pay day when I went grocery shopping I was not even thinking that Thanksgiving was mere days away!  So Monday I realized - OMG Thanksgiving is THURSDAY!!!  We are broke - I had not done ANY holiday meal planning and the cupboards (yes, only days after payday) were practically bare!  Ok, not really, but when you are thinking in terms of a holiday meal - they definitely looked that way.  Ok, so back to my original plan of making Thanksgiving NO BIG DEAL.

Bug was very disappointed to hear that we were not going to have a traditional Turkey day.  It was very hard to look at her and NOT give in.  So then I started planning.  Thank GOD for the Internet or I never would have figured out that I have everything I need in order to make a pretty good holiday meal - everything but the main dish!  No turkey is not a big issue in our house since Mike doesn't like turkey and SAW prefers ham, but with $3 in the account there was no way I was going to swing it.  Luckily on our most recent trip to see Mike's parents they gave us some deer steaks - so we were good.  I also managed to be in the right place at the right time and got a free turkey!  Woo Hoo!!!  So now we have the fixings for a real holiday to be thankful for!

Of course the most important thing (when your family doesn't like turkey) is the PIE!!!  Luckily I stocked up on pumpkin so I knew we were covered there!  The last time i made a pumpkin pie (2 weeks ago for pie Sunday) I used the Libby's recipe on the can of pumpkin and a refrigerated Pilsbury pie crust.  I was very disappointed!  For such well known companies I was expecting them to be fabulous, but they were very bland!  Ugh!  So, I had to find a new recipe! Once I found that Everything else came along nicely!

Milkless Pumpkin Pie with The Pie Man's Perfectly Flaky Crust

Dinner Rolls (they are actually Hamburger Buns, but they are soooo good!!!

Macaroni & Cheese with Cauliflower

Dutch Beets (because I have tons of canned beets!)

Mashed potatoes (one of the benefits of living in Idaho - we always have tons of potatoes!)

My macaroni Salad

All this and a couple deer steaks for Mike and Turkey for us.  I am still searching for a good stuffing recipe  and I may add a few things just for snacking throughout the day (like deviled eggs or something).

Hope you all have a great day!

ps - thanks to all the great bloggers and chefs and bakers our there that shared their recipes!

Under Construction

Please forgive me for the mess

I am in process of de-cluttering my life and am recreating my blog here.

I'm sure I will have exciting things to say sometimes soon.

Feel free to follow my very disorganized and depressed thoughts on twitter.

Love to all!

Sharon

DisOrganized thoughts

Are my thoughts ever organized??

Are my posts ever organized??

I bet an editor would rip out their hair trying to fix my writing so that people could actually read it!  Ugh. I have given up trying to make my Blog something that reaches millions though.  My mere 27 followers are okay for me.  I won't deny a little twinge of jealousy at the numbers my sister's blog has, but let's face it - hers is beautiful  she writes so that you WANT to keep reading!  I am happy if even I can reach the end of my own writing and still be happy about it...

So anyways...

I am pet sitting a friends cat for the next couple months.  She is very different from Mew (who escaped and went missing a few weeks ago).  She is very very vocal, and very - uhhhh - needy.  She likes to wake me up my sitting on my head, she likes to sit on the keyboard while I am typing as well.  She will head butt you when she wants attention and you aren't giving it to her.  Very Very different from Mew!  It's fun to have a cat back in the house, though.  Although, I did notice that she has affected my allergies quite a bit.  Next week I am pet sitting my neighbors dog too, so we will see how that goes!

So this was totally not what I had in mind when I sat down to blog today, but I have lost that thought during the battle for my keyboard.

Maybe next time.