Mistakes were made by all

I am in Alaska again... by a series of unfortunate events...
I always thought I would be so happy to come home and live near my family again.  I. Was. Wrong.  I am anything but happy.  I don't say this to get pity, or to make people feel bad, I just say it because it is the truth.  The saying "you can't go home again" is so very painfully true.  It's never the same.  It's NEVER what you thought it would be.  Sometimes it's great to come home and hang out with all your old friends and have dinner with your parents and siblings and enjoy the warmth and love that envelopes you from the moment you get off the plane/out of your car - to the moment you get back on/in it.  When you have no idea when you are leaving neither does your family and friends.  Their patience runs thin, their hospitality runs low, and eventually you aren't the only one that is wondering when you are leaving.
This is where I am at right now.  Wondering when I am leaving.  My sheer presence creating a tension within the family that welcomed me so warmly 6 MONTHS AGO!!!
Yup.  6 Months.  6 months of not knowing what the hell I was doing. 6 months of being miserable, poor and, ugh, dependent. 6 months of having everyone look at me with pity, knowing that horrible thing that dragged me back here to this frozen land.  6 months of crying, crying and more crying.
Today I declare - I'm Done Crying!  I know what I want.  It's not what everyone else wants.  I don't think it's what ANYONE else wants.  Everyone keeps telling me to figure out what I want though, so I did.

My husband and I got married 3 months after my Mother died.  I second guessed our relationship from day one.  I talked with my mother a lot about it (before she died, or course).  She told me  - well, that's private, but she gave me the green light.  She said she could tell he made me happy, even though he made me crazy.  Everyone seemed to like him.  I thought to myself a thousand times how much easier a relationship was when your family liked the person you were with.  The kids liked him too, and he seemed to like them.  until...enter Sharon's BIG GIANT MOUTH!  Yeah, was never one for keeping things to myself (obviously - I have a blog!)...  I couldn't be like Bek and keep it all private.  I tried.  I told one person here, one person there, but eventually everyone knew about every fight we ever had.  I am a difficult person (I recently learned this) so we had A LOT of fights.  When everything started going to hell everyone decided to tell me "I never liked him anyways." Well, thanks!  That's helpful to know after I have already married him!  Jerks!  Not ONE single person told me to tough it out, grow up, it'll get better - except for, ironically, my EX-mother in law.   Weird huh?  Well, 7 years into it and 2 military moves and one beautiful baby girl (plus my 1st 2 kids) the unthinkable happened.  My husband made a HUGE mistake! I won't diminish what was done by saying anyone over-reacted, but I will say - it's not what everyone thinks.

It really isn't.  Accepting that has brought a bit of peace to my heart.

I am determined to not let this mistake define my children, my life, my marriage or myself.  I just won't.

I will continue to take care of my children to the best of my abilities, but I will not deny another one of my children a relationship with her father (not that I denied the other two of their father, but sometimes it does feel that way). I will protect my children with every breath in my body, and I will always choose their side.   My husband knows this now, and he has accepted this.

He is working very hard to understand his mistakes and he knows that it is a process.  It feels good knowing that he considers our marriage something worth working for.

I am still stuck in Alaska for an undetermined amount of time. I am still having constant arguments with my husband about the past, present and future.  I am still unsure of which direction to go in (other than south because it is just too cold up here for me anymore).  The thing that I know for sure though is that people make mistakes.  Only God can judge.

My advice to anyone reading this - beware who you vent to because things said cannot be unsaid. Once someone doesn't like your significant other it is very hard to convince them otherwise.  You may be able to forgive and move forward, but people that love you and were your sounding boards during those difficult times may not be able to.

Sweet Potato Banana Muffins - YUM!

Yummy Idea of the Week!

Sweet Potato Banana Muffins

*My photo* *recipe credit*

I don't remember the circumstance that caused me to do a Swagbucks Search for this recipe, but I am sure glad I did!  I just happen to have a few bananas in the freezer and some sweet potatoes in the garage that desperately needed to be used!  For the most part I followed the recipe exactly (I almost doubled it).  I did change a few of the steps though.  Jayne's original recipe is HERE.  Here's what I did though.

3 small over ripe bananas

3 small sweet poatotes

1 C shredded coconut (optional, but worth it)

3 C unbleached all purpose flour

1 1/2 T baking powder

1 tsp salt

1 tsp cinnamon

3/4 C Unsalted Butter (room temperature)

1 1/2 C Light Brown Sugar

3 eggs

1) Center rack in over & pre-heat to 400deg F.  Line or grease muffin tins. *original recipe makes 12-15 muffins, mine made 30*

2) wash & skin Sweet potatoes. Chop into 1-2" pieces & boil until mashable.  Reserve water when you drain them (good thing I did this because I messed up and needed it in the recipe!).  Mash by hand or toss into your blender/food processor/Ninja & get the job done!

***I took Jayne's advice and did these steps the night before and got out all the ingredients so I could make them in the morning - well, all except the pre-heating - that would be dangerous!***

3) Mash the banana, sweet potatoes & coconut together and set aside

4) In a medium bowl cream the butter and sugar until light & fluffy *this takes longer than you think*

5) Add in eggs One at a time and mix well. Mix in the banana mixture.

***ok, Here's where I messed up my recipe and that sweet potato water I reserved came in handy.  as I was adjusting the recipe I forgot to increase the eggs.  I only added 2.  It wasn't until I was putting it into the making cups that I realized that it was WAY TOO DRY!  I made my first batch with the mix as it was because I didn't want to over mix it & I hadn't realized my mistake yet. For the second batch  I grabbed the water and started adding it a tiny bit at a time until it looked like the right consistency.  The picture above is one from the first batch, the second batch was much smoother & lighter in color. Anyways - back to the instructions***

6) scrape wet ingredients into the dry and mix just until combined. Do Not Over mix. *But, they will still turn out okay in case you do*

7) Fill the muffin cups about 3/4 full.  *remember the bigger the muffin the longer it will take to bake*

8) Bake about 20 minutes until they are golden brown and spring back when touched.  *I found that after the first batch the rest only took about 15 - 18 minutes so keep an eye on them.

I made a little Honey Glaze to drizzle over them & they were amazing!  

I plated them and covered them with saran wrap (after they cooled of course) and after 3 days on the table they are still soft.  Bug likes to warm them up in the microwave for a few seconds, but the rest of us enjoy them as is.

I'd love to see if someone could do a recipe makeover on this though & maybe make them not quite so many calories.  I used the Sparkpeople recipe calculator and they are almost 180 calories per muffin.  Oh No!  But they are a yummy breakfast muffin for the kids to grab on the go!

Try & let me know what you think!