I am in Alaska again... by a series of unfortunate events...
I always thought I would be so happy to come home and live near my family again. I. Was. Wrong. I am anything but happy. I don't say this to get pity, or to make people feel bad, I just say it because it is the truth. The saying "you can't go home again" is so very painfully true. It's never the same. It's NEVER what you thought it would be. Sometimes it's great to come home and hang out with all your old friends and have dinner with your parents and siblings and enjoy the warmth and love that envelopes you from the moment you get off the plane/out of your car - to the moment you get back on/in it. When you have no idea when you are leaving neither does your family and friends. Their patience runs thin, their hospitality runs low, and eventually you aren't the only one that is wondering when you are leaving.
This is where I am at right now. Wondering when I am leaving. My sheer presence creating a tension within the family that welcomed me so warmly 6 MONTHS AGO!!!
Yup. 6 Months. 6 months of not knowing what the hell I was doing. 6 months of being miserable, poor and, ugh, dependent. 6 months of having everyone look at me with pity, knowing that horrible thing that dragged me back here to this frozen land. 6 months of crying, crying and more crying.
Today I declare - I'm Done Crying! I know what I want. It's not what everyone else wants. I don't think it's what ANYONE else wants. Everyone keeps telling me to figure out what I want though, so I did.
My husband and I got married 3 months after my Mother died. I second guessed our relationship from day one. I talked with my mother a lot about it (before she died, or course). She told me - well, that's private, but she gave me the green light. She said she could tell he made me happy, even though he made me crazy. Everyone seemed to like him. I thought to myself a thousand times how much easier a relationship was when your family liked the person you were with. The kids liked him too, and he seemed to like them. until...enter Sharon's BIG GIANT MOUTH! Yeah, was never one for keeping things to myself (obviously - I have a blog!)... I couldn't be like Bek and keep it all private. I tried. I told one person here, one person there, but eventually everyone knew about every fight we ever had. I am a difficult person (I recently learned this) so we had A LOT of fights. When everything started going to hell everyone decided to tell me "I never liked him anyways." Well, thanks! That's helpful to know after I have already married him! Jerks! Not ONE single person told me to tough it out, grow up, it'll get better - except for, ironically, my EX-mother in law. Weird huh? Well, 7 years into it and 2 military moves and one beautiful baby girl (plus my 1st 2 kids) the unthinkable happened. My husband made a HUGE mistake! I won't diminish what was done by saying anyone over-reacted, but I will say - it's not what everyone thinks.
It really isn't. Accepting that has brought a bit of peace to my heart.
I am determined to not let this mistake define my children, my life, my marriage or myself. I just won't.
I will continue to take care of my children to the best of my abilities, but I will not deny another one of my children a relationship with her father (not that I denied the other two of their father, but sometimes it does feel that way). I will protect my children with every breath in my body, and I will always choose their side. My husband knows this now, and he has accepted this.
He is working very hard to understand his mistakes and he knows that it is a process. It feels good knowing that he considers our marriage something worth working for.
I am still stuck in Alaska for an undetermined amount of time. I am still having constant arguments with my husband about the past, present and future. I am still unsure of which direction to go in (other than south because it is just too cold up here for me anymore). The thing that I know for sure though is that people make mistakes. Only God can judge.
My advice to anyone reading this - beware who you vent to because things said cannot be unsaid. Once someone doesn't like your significant other it is very hard to convince them otherwise. You may be able to forgive and move forward, but people that love you and were your sounding boards during those difficult times may not be able to.
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